David Fernandez | Modern Marketing : Newspapers
To all 60 people who read my last article before I decided to scrap it, thanks for the support. I decided that I was a little too harsh on the Florida Times Union because the reality is: All newspapers suck. It’s not an organizational flaw – it’s a byproduct of the technology available to us today.
By the time these newspapers are loaded into the flatbed of a Ford Model-T the news is really the olds. Information is being flooded through electronic devices and recirculated before our morning cup of coffee or based on your bad habits – Bailey’s Irish Cream.
1) Newspapers are Murdering the Planet:
Besides the horribly scratchy paper and runny ink, newspapers are an environmentalist’s worst nightmare. In my unjustified quest to rid planet earth of newspapers and add an anti-newspaper character to the Captain Planet cast I decided to do some hard hitting research: How many trees are used to print newspapers? I asked Google. The answer according to the infallible wiki.answers.com is: “somewhere around 1500 to 200,000,000,000,000,000” (I swear I’m not making this up). Uh, okay, so given a +/- of 199 Quadrillion I think we’ve got this narrowed down. If it’s 1,500 trees that explains this:
There are no borders drawn into this map. This a real overhead view from Google Earth. Can you figure out where the border is? I’m not saying newspapers were responsible for the earthquake in Haiti but some blame must be placed on someone and Marilyn Manson doesn’t make music about earthquakes. The massive landslides killed hundreds of people in the aftermath. The Dominican Republic barely made an evening news appearance.
If the real answer is 200 Quadrillion then this would be a more accurate depiction:
2) Apple IPads and IPhones are Mass-Murderers
The IPad and IPhone killed: Newspapers, commercial-run radio, commercial-run TV, laptop sales, desktop sales, educational toys, all over-priced software on cd’s, writable cd’s, dumb phones, home phones, Lord Voldemort and is a person of interest in the murders of 2Pac and Notorious BIG.
Accessing information is easier than ever. If the term “any news?” originated from newspapers we may have to recoin the term “any INews?”
3) Jon Bon Jovi’s Death Murders Newspapers
The news of Jon Bon Jovi’s death was distributed electronically to millions before Bon Jovi woke up that morning. The problem here is that Bon Jovi isn’t dead. As a matter of fact he has less wrinkles then I do and his band was born the same year I was. I thought Bon Jovi was dead for three weeks before I was humiliated by coworkers. The moral to this story: Don’t go buy the discography of a musician before that body is in the ground. Now, I’m stuck with lifetime collections of Eminem, Bon Jovi and 2Pac (who may or may not be in the Bahamas sipping Cristal and Hennessey).
Okay, so if your brain is thinking “silly goose, what are you getting at?” Let me break it down for my tier 2 readers. Did anybody think to themselves “hey, let me check out the newspaper to see if this is true.” No, because newspapers were on the street already and wouldn’t have this breaking news for at least another 24 hours. Plus, Twitter and Facebook are the best source of accurate information and irrelevant passive aggressive quotations.
4) Speed Murdered Newspapers
We demand information. Do you get mad at your IPhone for taking 20 seconds to load a page because this particular search feels like the most urgent search of your life? Me too but it’s better than the old days – remember Encyclopedia Britannica? So next time you’re arguing with your friends about who has the most #1 selling albums of all-time (not Bon Jovi) think about those Encyclopedia’s sitting on your parents shelf. The same ones that probably don’t have “cellphones” listed in volume 3 page 297.
5) I Murdered the Newspaper:
Social Media and persistent bloggers (like me) are flooding the internet with massive amounts of wasteful information. Exhibit A: if you search Yahoo! For “working through retirement” my article shows up #2. Granted, anyone working through retirement could use a good laugh and a little encouragement so you won’t get any complaints here.
People like you and I have been complaining about the dreary local news for years. Everything is depressing. An example of your local news: Someone gets murdered, schools are horrible, there’s always a chance of rain and sports account for one-hundredth of the broadcast or newspaper. The Newspapers and broadcasters didn’t listen to the people so we decided to take to the cyber-streets and deliver the news we want.
However nostalgic you may or may not be about newspapers everything is old. Don’t get me wrong, I have a certain spot in heart for Super Mario Bros 3 but would I trade in my PS3 for a Super Nintendo? Nope. Even this article was past its prime before I hit publish.
What are Newspapers Good For?:
Dedicated to my faithful supporters: the one’s that even like my crappy articles.
- David Fernandez
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