5 Suspects in the Slaying of Your Local Newspaper

David Fernandez | Modern Marketing : Newspapers

To all 60 people who read my last article before I decided to scrap it, thanks for the support. I decided that I was a little too harsh on the Florida Times Union because the reality is: All newspapers suck. It’s not an organizational flaw – it’s a byproduct of the technology available to us today.

By the time these newspapers are loaded into the flatbed of a Ford Model-T the news is really the olds. Information is being flooded through electronic devices and recirculated before our morning cup of coffee or based on your bad habits – Bailey’s Irish Cream.

These Newspapers were so ahead of their time - they predicted the future

1)      Newspapers are Murdering the Planet:

Besides the horribly scratchy paper and runny ink, newspapers are an environmentalist’s worst nightmare. In my unjustified quest to rid planet earth of newspapers and add an anti-newspaper character to the Captain Planet cast I decided to do some hard hitting research: How many trees are used to print newspapers? I asked Google. The answer according to the infallible wiki.answers.com is: “somewhere around 1500 to 200,000,000,000,000,000” (I swear I’m not making this up). Uh, okay, so given a +/- of 199 Quadrillion I think we’ve got this narrowed down. If it’s 1,500 trees that explains this:

Hispanola Island: The left is Haiti the right is the Dominican Republic.

There are no borders drawn into this map. This a real overhead view from Google Earth. Can you figure out where the border is? I’m not saying newspapers were responsible for the earthquake in Haiti but some blame must be placed on someone and Marilyn Manson doesn’t make music about earthquakes. The massive landslides killed hundreds of people in the aftermath. The Dominican Republic barely made an evening news appearance.

If the real answer is 200 Quadrillion then this would be a more accurate depiction:

"The shade under this building is so lovely"

2)      Apple IPads and IPhones are Mass-Murderers

The IPad and IPhone killed: Newspapers, commercial-run radio, commercial-run TV, laptop sales, desktop sales, educational toys, all over-priced software on cd’s, writable cd’s,  dumb phones, home phones, Lord Voldemort and is a person of interest in the murders of 2Pac and Notorious BIG.

Apple Introduces the new IMurder App

Accessing information is easier than ever. If the term “any news?” originated from newspapers we may have to recoin the term “any INews?”

3)      Jon Bon Jovi’s Death Murders Newspapers

The news of Jon Bon Jovi’s death was distributed electronically to millions before Bon Jovi woke up that morning. The problem here is that Bon Jovi isn’t dead. As a matter of fact he has less wrinkles then I do and his band was born the same year I was. I thought Bon Jovi was dead for three weeks before I was humiliated by coworkers. The moral to this story: Don’t go buy the discography of a musician before that body is in the ground. Now, I’m stuck with lifetime collections of Eminem, Bon Jovi and 2Pac (who may or may not be in the Bahamas sipping Cristal and Hennessey).

Hair like this never dies

Okay, so if your brain is thinking “silly goose, what are you getting at?” Let me break it down for my tier 2 readers. Did anybody think to themselves “hey, let me check out the newspaper to see if this is true.” No, because newspapers were on the street already and wouldn’t have this breaking news for at least another 24 hours. Plus, Twitter and Facebook are the best source of accurate information and irrelevant passive aggressive quotations.

4)      Speed Murdered Newspapers

We demand information. Do you get mad at your IPhone for taking 20 seconds to load a page because this particular search feels like the most urgent search of your life? Me too but it’s better than the old days – remember Encyclopedia Britannica? So next time you’re arguing with your friends about who has the most #1 selling albums of all-time (not Bon Jovi) think about those Encyclopedia’s sitting on your parents shelf. The same ones that probably don’t have “cellphones” listed in volume 3 page 297.

1990's Bookshelf

21st Century Bookshelf

5)      I Murdered the Newspaper:

Social Media and persistent bloggers (like me) are flooding the internet with massive amounts of wasteful information. Exhibit A: if you search Yahoo! For “working through retirement” my article shows up #2. Granted, anyone working through retirement could use a good laugh and a little encouragement so you won’t get any complaints here.

People like you and I have been complaining about the dreary local news for years. Everything is depressing. An example of your local news: Someone gets murdered, schools are horrible, there’s always a chance of rain and sports account for one-hundredth of the broadcast or newspaper. The Newspapers and broadcasters didn’t listen to the people so we decided to take to the cyber-streets and deliver the news we want.

However nostalgic you may or may not be about newspapers everything is old. Don’t get me wrong, I have a certain spot in heart for Super Mario Bros 3 but would I trade in my PS3 for a Super Nintendo? Nope.  Even this article was past its prime before I hit publish.

What are Newspapers Good For?:

What Newspapers are good for

Dedicated to my faithful supporters: the one’s that even like my crappy articles.

- David Fernandez

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Bad Online Display Advertising III

David Fernandez | Modern Marketing : Branding : Display Advertising

Company:

Nordstrom

Target Market:

Women who aren’t sure if they want “Free People” or “Free Shipping”

Ad:

I’d like to welcome back my regular readers – all 15 of you – to our regularly scheduled programing.  I’m taking a break from my hard-hitting journalism to bring you what you demand: irreverent dissection of the work put together by over-paid ad execs that have clearly been sniffing too much nail polish remover.

The victim of my normal-human-brain analysis is Nordstrom and the gem of a marketing campaign called “Free People.” Seriously folks, you better get on this now because after spring you won’t be able to “Free People.”

I can Free People and still look confused

The Problem with the Message:

My thought process when seeing this ad:

“Jackpot! This is perfect for my next article.”

Then, I thought: “This is too good to be true. Let’s give Nordstrom the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure Nordstrom must be donating proceeds to some charitable organization of some kind like the Invisible Children”

So I click on the ad eagerly waiting to see some sort of partnership campaign like GAP’s “RED.” Nope. By “Free People” they mean “Rich Hipsters.” Ok, so are the clothes free? No, the clothes are definitely not free.  Huh?

What they are trying to Say:

If you are still recovering from the ill effects of LSD usage in your misspent 20’s then the message is perfectly clear: Wear expensive clothing that looks inexpensive and tattered to free the inner you.

Where do I pickup my free person?

Do you ever get the urge to “catch a falling star?” Have you considered the size of a falling star? Besides the Armageddon that would ensue, this would end tragically.

The teenage Asian or Latino children responsible for stitching this clothing together are probably the only people part of this product life-cycle that need to be “freed.”

I don’t know about you but if I woke up and did not see the sun, I’d just go back to bed. Then when the sun finally came out, I’d point and laugh at anyone wearing teal denim shorts with a riddled sweater.

Nothing says "free spirit" like dilapidated teal denim shorts

Did you just come into a lot of money but still want to look like trailer trash? For the low price of just $68 these tattered teal trailer park denim shorts can be in your dresser. Shipping? Ha, this is the “Free People Line.”

Are you kind of cold, even when it’s hot? Do you not check the weather because you are a free-spirit? Do you like to be totally ignored by available men? Then we have the perfect sweater for you:

**Woman Sold Separately**

- David Fernandez

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